Childless Beastmaster Manifesto
In a healthier time than our own the “childless cat ladies” trope would generate a reaction like “oh shut up you asshole,” and we would all get on with our lives and never think about it again.
But even before Taylor Swift identified as a CCL, it was apparent that we were dealing with a concept destined for political history, perhaps the main take-away from the campaign season. The concept is months old and everyone is still activated about it, though we can’t seem to keep all the attempted assassinations and coups on top of mind. Did you see last week’s New Yorker, for instance?
Maybe we are conditioned to have big reactions to something so offensive that it reads as trolling. Or maybe it’s the general scarcity of political ideas. Demented though it is, CCL stands out as a heartfelt, internally-consistent expression of conservatism from a campaign that’s got little else going, message-wise. Columnists, cartoonists and pop stars all need ideas to respond to; and so far this is about it.
An ancient misogyny forms the spine of this argument, but my reading of CCL includes childless pet enthusiasts of all genders and species, so that I can personally bask in the aggrievement. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, and y’all just can’t help talking about us these days.
The argument breaks down like this:
1. Childless Cat Ladies are less committed politically, because we don’t have any stake in the world after we die.
Parents are more politically motivated? You mean the people in restaurants with spaghetti vomit in their hair? They seem too busy to read the Opinion section, but maybe they do manage to vote if the polling place happens to be in their kids’ school. If they really do vote with the next generation in mind, they shouldn’t support the party selling ice floes to Exxon.
2. Post-life apathy makes CCL less deserving of political expression and representation.
As a New Yorker I find it incredible that anyone thinks I could have less political power. They even don’t bother to show me the national ads, because the neighborhood where I live has the same electoral juice as an individual resident of Laramie, Wyoming, and our millions of votes are captured by increasingly corrupt and embarrassing Democratic machines in the city and state. We hate this situation, but what are we going to do, vote for ultimate CCL Curtis Sliwa, who got hit by a car in what was not even the worst moment of his mayoral campaign?
You can’t kill us, we are already dead.
3. Those who love life have kids. Ipso fatso: pet parents hate life, and wish ill upon human parents.
Even Vance must know this part is ridiculous. You’ve see us dancing around with our pals at rock concerts, ordering a second martini at dinner, or vacationing in countries where none of the food is kid-friendly. We look goofy because we are too old for this sort of thing, but you know how it also seems like we are having a good time? We are! I’ll do you the honor of assuming that all of those spelling bees and low-impact soccer games are fun too.
We did stumble into this alternative lifestyle ass-backward, and we haven’t always been sure that we made the right choice. But water finds its own level, and it’s pretty clear that this is the best thing for us. We hope you feel the same way about your life!
Pete Wells Unmasked
He seems like a lovely guy, and I’m glad he’s recovering his health since he retired from reviewing restaurants.
